I had the worst dream, we were going to get mollie movies cause Christina came back to Vegas to see my mom and mookie, and everyone was getting together because she was dying and setting up what everyone was going to do and stupid rosanne decided to tell moms husband and mookie was still a baby. So we told him and he drove up drunk as fuck so we left and trying to drive away and improvise on what to do and we saw him following just taking shots and i was so scared in my dream just like when I was little, we finally got out of the car and I saw him throw mookie in the car and he was crying and he kept asking where’s Linda slurring and swerving around and I said dead! And he slapped me in the face and I kept trying to hit him but I didn’t do any affect. I was so terrified

He’s not even attractive.
But I’m so attracted to him it’s crazy.
I feel like I’m just getting sucked back into it.
I love his laugh, when he wears black, his smile, the way he talks.
I never want to see him because then I want to hug him and love him and be as close to him as I always was.
Kanziams the things he does to me.
I’m so addicted.

I was laying with chad while watching greys anatomy and chad was hugging me and holding James’ hand and he said ‘you know when I’m like this I feel a weird feeling. Like I’m complete and nothing else matters and this is all I need is my families’ like that’s all the reassurance I need for the rest of my life. I know he loves me. And James. I can defiantly let go of my problems with his ex’s and my insecurities looking for attention. He’s my love. And I’m going to sleep happier and more in love then ever.

You haven’t even texted me to ask about my mom.
And as much as I want to see her, I won’t give in and EVER complain to you again.

That’s what I just got told is probably going to be how long my mom lives. Chads co workers mom was in the exact same situation as my mon is on now.. Like everything is the same for her. 2 weeks. How do I have my sons birthday a week er so after I have my moms funeral? I just can’t do that.. She can’t breathe. She needs to breathe to live she needs to be on that tube to breathe. She’s my best friend. She’s the only one I can call and just be completely honest about everything. Every situation how I feel what I do. I can’t tell anyone that. She’s the only one that knows everything Ive really done in my life. She’s my rock. I was so mean to her when she was alive. Like alive alive. I don’t know why. I’m a girl and she’s a girl we’re suppose to fight. Its not my fault I didn’t know she was really dying. If I did have some kind of a warning I would’ve be with her always. It’s not easy that James is always a brat with her too. My mom loves James so much too. I don’t even know if I should be writing in past tense er present. I refuse to cry. That I know. I don’t even know how I’ll take it.. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to talk about her er look at her text. Er even delete them. I don’t know when I’ll be able to look at pictures. I don’t even know how mookie will take it. There’s going to be a huge problem in the family once she dies. I always planned to die when she died. I’m not even going to be able to call her and tel her when people are being mean to me and how things go when I plan things. She won’t even see James walk. He won’t know his grandma er grandpa. She wont see me walk. She won’t see mookie walk.. She won’t see Christina get married. She’s the only one that would never turn on me. Now I have no one to turn to. I didn’t even see her today. Fuck my life.

I don’t even know why I care. He’s a fucken idiot anyways.. But I do.. There’s times when I want him to just go away and I get scared.. But then there’s times where I just want to be right next to him and kiss and him if I could.. But then right after I kissed him I’d regret it because then we’d always have to and that line would just be crossed. I just.. I don’t know. He’s perfect with James.. Absolutely perfect and loves him more than anything. He loves me more than anything.. And I love him the same.

I could imagine if I actually did do something with him.. I’d be so amazing cause it’d be forbidden and so secretive and we’d both want it so badly. And id be his first.. But it’d never be the same.. I wouldnt be able to go home and be in the same room with chad.. Let alone if Peter was there too. It’d be an affair and those never last.. Right now its innocent. And it’s fun and sweet.
Oh well..

I wish I knew my dad.

It’s insane how many dreams I have about this man. He’s such an amazing person sometimes and I love him so much but he’s so immature and an idiot. The only reason I won’t go see him is out of fear. Fear that he’ll take James fear that he’ll try and stalk my life again. I don’t have his number anyways. Chances are I’ll never see him. He finally forgot about me so I might as well forget about him.. If only I could..

I have this stupid paper to do for school tomorrow and I can’t cause James needs me to hold him while he sleeps and chad is too busy ‘proving a point’ and playing video games. And I’m crying cause I’m so mad and frustrated and James Keeps crying cause he’s so hot and his in pain. I just can’t help him. I’m such a bad mom and I get so frustrated and yell at him. I seriously hate myself. Maybe if that piece of shit would help me I wouldn’t get so mad. I just want to be in California and get away from all this shit. I’m so over it. I hate everything.

I had another dream about mokarram.
mokarram atta salama.
I use to write that name in my notebook like 70 times a day. Never mike. At least not after my 16th birthday. It drives me crazy sometimes. When I think about him. He was nothing but a piece of shit. But I cared so much about him now if he was walking on the freeway drunk I’d care but not enough to stop him. Maybe to stop him to tell him how much I hate him but loved him at one time. He just treated me like meat. Like pork actually. Anyways. I had a dream I was on the beach and Nina and Tyler and someone. Lost my ring.. Then found it then idk how mokarram came into it but he did and he didn’t have legs er something and I was trying to torcher him. I had a sword and I kept telling him I was going to cut him in half. Then I went to check on chad and I couldn’t find mokarram anymore. They said he RANAWAY! You stupid fucken phone but I had his keys and legs so I dont get how he ran away. Then I woke up..